Ok let me tell you where I’m at – he says sounding like a weedy Dragons’ den interrogator. For years I wrote about the only thing I know: football. For the past eighteen months or so I have formalised a plan I have had in my head for a number of years: to write a book about pies.
If I’ve been looking a little flabby and lethargic recently it’s probably down to the culmination of a gruelling schedule of planning to eat 300 pies in 500 days. I did manage to run a half marathon in under two hours a few months back though which might keep the grim reaper at bay for a while whilst I’m living on a pastry based diet.
SHUT UP AND TELL THEM ABOUT THE BOOK YOU IDIOT
I’m closing on 250 pies now. I went up to Lancaster and Morecambe this morning and found fabulous people and amazing pies. It’s going well and coming to fruition and although sometimes the subject matter may become a tad repetitive I am still meeting wonderful people who produce truly tantalising pies. All good things must come to an end though and I’ve decided my cut off will be Saturday 25th May, 500 days after my official challenge started.
I’ve still got a few areas of this country to conquer, mainly a long way up north and a long way down south but I’ll get there. The real fly in the ointment is that the previously shit football team I support has somehow managed to fluke it’s way to an FA Cup semi final, thus reducing the number of free weekends available to me to source the nation’s best pies. A kind of unexpected bonus but not related to this book so I’ll pipe down.
Anyway, I have around a dozen “pie trips” left to make in various locations around the country (no holidays left mind you) and then my mission will be wrapped up and a fork stuck in the top.
Despite the volume of pies consumed in the past year and a quarter, I have my favourites in my head that I can recollect straightaway – you know like when you watch the Eurovision song contest and find yourself tapping your foot along to a Lithuanian number. But I’m not giving no clues away. A few of the best are close to home but I have also found some hidden gems from further afield. There will be plenty accolades; this isn’t about calling out charlatans because I LIKE pies, this is about deciding whose pies I like best of all.
BUT SHUT UP GIVE THEM THE DETAILS ABOUT THE BOOK YOU BUMBLING BUFFOON
OK then
** It will be out in the Autumn of 2013 – that’s sometime this year. Is that specific enough for now?
** It will be around 350 pages long with a pleasant colour insert which is best not viewed on an empty stomach
** It will be a book describing one man’s attempt to find the perfect pie. A humorous travelogue underpinned by a deadly serious mission.
** This quest has been attempted before but mainly undertaken by culinary experts. This time some pisspot from Wigan is in charge of matters. I am guessing this is a first.
** 70,000 words are already written up with another 50,000 (I reckon) sat on my phone waiting to be typed up along with hundreds of photos of pies – open and shut along with other pie related miscellany. Don’t worry I’ve backed it up just in case I get mugged or fall over pissed and break it again.
** The retail price will be around £12.99 and there will be an initial niche* print run of no more than 1,000.
** Mainly because I’d rather publish first and then go through the futility of begging publishers.
(*Is niche the word or shall I call it a “boutique” print run? Basically I reckon I won’t be selling many, just a few hundred to mates and assorted cranks)
** Advance orders would be welcome in due course and may offer some if not all of the following benefits:
– Your name and inscription in it
– A signed copy (which would arguably reduce it’s value if you’ve seen my handwriting)
– An invite to the launch where products reviewed could potentially be sampled
– Access to a load of extra photos and information which only the hardest of hardcore pie afficionados would be slightly arsed about
– A free copy of any further edition or follow up should any media types be interested in making me rich for typing bollocks about stuffing my face with pies and living with continual heartburn for a year and a half
As for online/digital versions: I haven’t the foggiest idea right now. I’ll work it out nearer the time.
As for this website, it will be enhanced and developed during the next six months alongside the book which will blossom from a hare brained scheme into a fully fledged shit Christmas present for an uncle you don’t like so please keep reading.
Expect to find: extracts from the book, updates and notifications, pie charts (literally) and random musings from the pie world.
We’re also trying to sort out Twitter: https://twitter.com/thelifeofpies
And also Facebook, they like pies on Facebook apparently: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-of-Pies/562687713756385
You could always follow and like them. You know, if you want. I’ll understand if you’re a bit embarrassed and don’t want to be the first. Hell I haven’t even got around to it myself yet.
That’s all for now. If any of the above captures your interest and has you salivating for more, then do us a favour and keep checking back, or register for the site. Maybe even go beyond that point which has you squinting to try and figure out what that stupid word validation shit which is illegible actually says.
I’d love to hear your feedback even if it is just to call me a silly tit who is going through a midlife crisis. As us members of the Pie Union say “we shall not be moo’ved”
Leave A Comment